Category: personal-thoughts

My Life Put on Hold 2020

At the beginning of the year, I was full of inspiration and opportunities. I spent NYE in Cuba. February in Colorado. Beginning of March in Lake Tahoe. Traveling is who I am. Then came Covid-19.

The Ides of March

March seems so far away now. It’s hard to think about life before Covid-19. On Monday, March 16th, I got the notice about the Shelter in Place order in SF. Like everyone else, I went to the market. Stocked up on toilet paper, pasta, rice, flour, and anything else that I could find. Shelves were sparse. I bought a puzzle. My mind prepared for a few weeks of staying in my house and not driving anywhere. A small thought about what I would say if I got caught driving to see family. Maybe I could say I had a toothache and I was on the way to an emergency dental appointment.

Don’t Go Outside – Don’t do Anything

For two months, Mid-March through May, I stayed indoors. I went outside for essentials only. I started doing yoga and online workouts. I stocked up on kindle books. I got to know my new roommates in SF. Some good days. Some bad days. I’d try multiple times a day to try to order groceries from amazon prime.  The grocery store seemed dangerous. Most don’t know, but there were days where I would wake up in bed crying because I didn’t have the motivation to wake up and do anything. A deep gutted anxiousness. I kept thinking about what I should do with my life. “When is this going to end? Do I need money? What am I going to do? Can I see my family?”  I didn’t complain to others because I didn’t have kids or a real job. I felt like I didn’t have that right. I bought another puzzle. I baked more. Everything became units of time. I needed things to do to get through each day. I used 25lbs of flour making an upside down blueberry cake, banana bread, cookies, belgian waffles, jaozi, bing, pizza, bagels, and cinnamon rolls.

Levels of paranoia of the COVID-19 Transmission

• 10 – Everyone Stay away. Shelter in Place. No interactions
• 9 – Shelter in Place, Outside for Essential Errands only
• 8 – Wear a mask at all times whenever outside of the house. No one gets within 6 ft
• 7 – Wear a mask, but I also still visit friends, but keep socially distant
• 6 – wear a mask, some friends are within my bubble, all others are socially distant
• 5 – wear a mask, keep socially distance with strangers; friends are within 6ft
• 4 – wear a mask, meet people within 6ft, but keep a distance if they request
• 3 – wear a mask sometimes while walking around, i still hug people when i see people
• 2 – Only wear a mask when required to go in a store. Seeing all friends and going out
• 1 – No mask wearing. Going out as if nothing happened

At first, I was at a level 10. But as the days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to seasons, I’ve changed. My anxiety started to go away. Now I feel I’m at level 6. By June, I started visiting friends and family again. Even my weekly visits to see my dad have slowly started to change. At first, I would sit at another table, wear a mask, wipe down everything. Now we sit together. Masks are only on when we take walks around the neighborhood.

It’s weird to admit this, but I felt as though I needed to hide any real happiness. Don’t share photos where you are too close to people. Social media became a shackle more than something of enjoyment.  Can I post this photo?  What about the racial injustices?  The Black Lives Matter movement. Nothing seemed appropriate (to post)

Fourth of July and COVID-19

It didn’t feel right to celebrate the Fourth of July holiday. With the politics and BLM movement, I felt a strong dislike for the American Flag. Trump doesn’t represent me.

However, walking around the city that night, I became inspired again with all the fireworks across the skyline. The city needed to let off a little steam. Beautiful lights illuminated the sky. People enjoying themselves- hanging out around the parks, in front of their homes, in the streets.  I felt happiness that night that I hadn’t felt in a long time. That feeling of being a tourist, seeing something new. I think I walked about 27k steps that day/night. I couldn’t stop soaking up the liveliness.

Setbacks – Everything with 2020 is still BAD

Throughout July, I started feeling like myself again. I stopped checking the COVID-19 tracker. I stopped obsessing over the test positivity rate. I went camping with friends. I started going to outdoor restaurants. Going offline and camping recharged me. Being in the wilderness let me forget about everything that’s wrong with the world right now.

There are moments where I feel like things will be ok. Then another disaster happens to remind me that the world is ending. Forest Fires. Jacob Black in Wisconsin.

What does 210k people dead mean?

People are dying. Traveling is unsafe. The rest of the world is going back to normal, where “we” as Americans are trapped in a pandemic without any signs of improvement. Arguments about mask wearing, social distance, and if this is even “real” continue. Anxiety and anxious comes in waves. When is this ever going to end? What am I doing with my life?

I feel like I keep waking up to a test on life. Can I get through this? When will I be ok? The cliché movie – Groundhog’s Day, seems like a reality. When will I perform the perfect day to force us to move on to a better world? If I can just focus on spending time with my family and becoming an SF local, maybe my life will be better.

Small Goals for Mental Health Awareness

I realize looking to 2021 is too far away. Instead, I set small goals each month. August: Swim Alcatraz. September: Learn how to do a Handstand. October: Swim without a wetsuit in the bay area.   Each week I try to stay on a path of sanity. Pushing myself to keep going. Someday this “Pandemic” will be over and I’ll be able to start my life back up again. Small  goals. Small wins.

Now is the time to Listen – Ask Questions, Empathy

I’m not black. I’ve never suffered injustices because of my race. Sure, there have been small instances of racism, but nothing that compares to other minorities. I’m not trying to solve discrimination or racism. This is not the issue. I cry at night before I fall asleep and wake up crying because I feel hopeless in a state of chaos. I haven’t been this uneasy about life since I was in high school taking sociology, learning about racism for the first time. My heart aches.

I want to Listen to Trump Supporters

That sounds weird, but I really want to understand the other side. I don’t believe that all Trump supporters or conservatives are against BLM. But why is it wrong to say that Black lives matter. Not even to say they are equal, just that they MATTER. Why would it be a bad thing for Trump to say Black Lives Matter.”? If you say the phrase aloud, does that tarnish your values as a person? Does it ruin the economy?

I want to listen to my conservative friends. If I listen and provide empathy and understanding, perhaps we can have a conversation about priorities. The small details in the current news will show looting. Will show that George Floyd was talking back. Conspiracy stories of coincidences of investigations of Biden at the same time as the protests.  If you take a step back from the small details there is a bigger story here. I wasn’t alive during Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks. ‘Separate but Equal’. What was it like this? Imagine being a supporter of the cops sticking dogs on people? Fire hoses on crowds. Or that while MLK Jr spoke about equality, you mentioned he was a womanizer. Where are these people today? Do they still feel the same way? Do Trump supporters want to be on that side of history?

This from March 7, 1965

Current Events:

Current events vs Past Civil Rights Movements

BLM protests are now in all 50 states. Around the world. Hundreds of thousands of people are risking their health and safety by protesting for injustices in USA. In the future, children will read stories that people looted stores, set cop cars on fire, but that they were also hit by rubber bullets and attacked by cops. The future history books will show how Trump posed in front of a church while people protested.  If this were a movie, would it end happily with conservatives squashing protests? As a trump supporter, or a conservative, what would need to happen to make you happy? Is the goal to make all this go away? Will Black people accept their fate?  If you are in an abusive relationship and finally speak out? Is there a point in time where you go back and stay with your oppressor for an “easier” life? Maybe. OR will a stranger help you overcome this hardship. I want to be that stranger.

Inappropriate Comparisons

Would you support Nazis? Of course not, no one wouldn’t support Nazis. But thats now. During WWII, people watched Jews being tagged and eventually hauled off to concentration camps.

Am I saying “white” people are Nazis? HELL NO.  But what is happening in USA right now paints a picture to me on how it could happen. Jews were blamed for for losing WWI. “They” were bad for society. History shows the racism and atrocities now, but during that time, if a person wanted to protect a Jew, that took a lot more effort than to stay silent.

It takes courage to go against your beliefs and change. United States refused a Jew Refugees sanctuary. Hindsight 20/20 – maybe USA should have saved these people, but it’s too late now.  I don’t want my conservative friends to look back at this movement and think it was a conspiracy so that Biden would win the election. Someone didn’t plan for George Floyd to turn into a martyr.  It happened because of pent up anger for the past 400 years. It’s about injustice from the people that are supposed to protect all of us.

At the beginning of this, I couldn’t care less if Target burned. I said ALL Cops are BAD. I was tired of the “not all cops are bad” statement. However, a friend pulled me aside. Told me how hurtful these statements were. I thought about it. I was wrong. Some cops are good. They are the ones that will have a harder job to do now. I support all the policemen and women that are protecting are for change. I hope that they have the courage to report the bad ones and help us change for a better society. I’m sorry for saying ACAB.

Just DELETE ME

It’s easy just to delete friends. I admit that I have walked away from friendships. Not my proudest moment. I wish I was stronger to talk to them. Listen and understand, try to come to a common ground. If it’s about the economy, if it’s about religion, if it’s about lower federal regulations – we can still be friends and say we have different priorities. But if we put pause on these issues, can we both agree that discrimination at this level is wrong? Can we come together to set policy changes that includes accountability for the greater good? Let’s come together to try to do one thing right for humans. All humans. We both will live in a safer community than what we have right now. If we fail to make at least ONE change in policy, that means life in the USA now is as good as it gets.  Watching a man in hand cuffs slowly die surrounded by 4 cops will become the norm.

For my conservative and Trump supporting friends. If you are against police injustice. Say so. Let people know that you have contacted your city or state representative. Donate to an organization that will fight against injustice. There’s no need to follow it up with “but look at the looting” or “all lives matter”. To say that takes away from the message that you are on the same side for a human rights issue. Over simplification here…. But   It’s like telling your Mom she’s beautiful, but she shouldn’t have worn that dress. Sometimes it’s just best to tell your Mom she looks great. 

A little over six months ago, I decided to pack up my things from Spain and move back to California. Full of motivation and excitement. An optimistic view on how I was going to be in the startup world.

Instead, I was met with a big bucket of cold American work ethics and a splash of reality. A high school friend told me “A job at a startup could be the best experience you’ve ever had or the worst.”  Here’s how its shaping up…

Ever Changing Processes

Simply put, I feel like I’m baking a dozen of chocolate chip cookies only for someone to realize that they don’t like chocolate chip anymore.  Then, I bake oatmeal cookies instead, at which point they said they want muffins now. Do I continue to make cookies or change to muffins? Or not make anything?

I’m realizing that I’m the one that needs to change. Startups need to be able stay flexible and adapt to the overall picture of what we perceive our value added is. My first thought is to grit my teeth and keep all the work I’ve done to plan things out. Are you sure you don’t want cookies? I’m slowly learning not to take it personally when I toss out everything I did the week before. Let me get started on those muffins for you…

Unlimited Vacation versus 4 Weeks of Vacation

When I first joined the company, I thought unlimited vacation meant that I could take a vacation whenever. There wasn’t a set time limit or negative connotation with it. “Unlimited” is a trick word. I should have googled it. In most scenarios, people take less vacation when it’s unlimited.

I self-guilt myself into taking less time off. I find myself checking my email whenever I’m away to make sure I pull my weight at work. The company is small, my day-off affects other people. If I leave, then someone else has to pick up the slack.  I worry the impression it has on everyone else. So instead I try to do mini weekend trips. Anything to not disrupt work.

Me in Colorado over a weekend.

The Struggle with Nomadic Life

I spent so many years changing my lifestyle that I don’t want to slip back into the same habits. Working all the time. Going home only to feed my cat and sleep. How easily I found myself doing the same thing at this startup. First one there, last one to leave. I had a moment where I saw this happening.

Hard stop. I close my laptop and leave now. I tell myself it (work) will be there tomorrow.

Is the startup culture to work day and night?  Is that the way to succeed?  If there’s anything I want to bring to this company, it’s that you can be successful while valuing employee work life balance. Lead by example. People will work harder naturally when they believe in the company. I work a lot, but I also play a lot. Both can exist at the same time.

Salary Expectations

Generally, startups pay about 30% less than industry standards. I think thats because you are taking on some risk for a bigger payout further down the line. Does this work for me? Starting to think about my “worth” I wanted to know the right blend. What’s the formula?

What is/was the lowest wage (excluding volunteering)?

Answer: 35 euros / day for scuba guiding. Commuting an hour each way by bus, leaving my place at 7am and returning home around 4pm.

Worth it. I loved the family-run business in Spain.  I spent most my day in the ocean and showing people octopus and fishes. The day always went by quickly and I enjoyed spending time at the “office.” It’s not a job that would pay all the bills, but yes, 100% return on time and happiness.

What’s the perfect blend?

Sometimes I question if my stress and emotional roller coaster is worth the salary.

Am I selling myself short? Salary doesn’t matter, but it does when you go home feeling stressed out, confused and undervalued in the company. I’m still trying to figure out the stress limits I will accept at this salary level.  If I got paid more, would I mind the stress and personal time sacrifice? Or on the flip side, since I have a lower salary, how do I limit my stress to be happy?

Formula:

A. (Winner): (Salary Expectation)-(less at a job where you like the mission and co-workers) = $$

B. (Salary Expectation) + (Stress Factor x base salary) =$$$$

1 on 1 meetings vs Performance Reviews

In the start up world, these 1 on 1 meetings feel like a mini therapy sessions. I’m talking about my interactions, my motivations and opportunities of self improvement.

Caught in between two generations: Gen X and Millennials.

Gen X: work work work.

Millennials: talk talk talk.

I don’t need to talk about my feelings, but as a manager I need to give my team the opportunity to vent and grow.

From the Manager POV

During these mini performance reviews,  I follow the template: what’s going well, what needs improvement, ask questions about the company, and take feedback.  Sometimes I have nothing but compliments and we high five each other. Other times, I can feel tension growing… hearing them slam down their notes on the keyboard of all the things they want to tell me. I try to understand their point of view and explain what’s going on. I try not to show them if I am also feeling the same thing. I want to stay positive and keep them performing.

From the team member POV

For some reason, when the table flips and I am the team member and not the manager, I get anxious and hesitant. I don’t like talking about everything going on. The relational energy isn’t there.  I focus more on how I’m failing instead. I vent without clear direction of what I expect to change at the company.

Rinse and repeat each month.  I’m in a relationship where the other person wants to “talk” about their feelings all the time. Emotionally draining.

I try to think about how start-ups want to feel connected to their employees. Is this working? Does it help retention and company performance?

Let’s Hang Out – Outside of Work

“You mean you actually like going out with co-workers??”

Yup. Believe it or not. The best part of the start up life is working with people my age or younger. Connecting over something new together. We vent to each other. We like hanging out.

I’m not afraid to be myself.  Previously, I never wanted my co-workers to know everything about me. I wanted to be the “A Student.” I never did anything wrong, and I always just worked hard.

Now, I can be both. My coworkers know I’m human and live outside of work.  I dress the same at work as I do after work. I don’t have to hide who I am.

This feels good.

Conclusions

More and more, I do feel that I am growing more from this experience. Good or bad, I’m happy to be back in California and working with people close to my age.  It’s easy to live on an island and scuba dive everyday. The challenge is trying things that you might not be comfortable with. I’m learning a lot and have no doubt it was the right decision.  Is it my new career? That I can’t say. I can’t say that I will be doing this next year. The startup could fail. Things change.

Note – I wrote this in April, and am only now posting (due to laziness)…

On 9/28/2018 Anthony Yen left this world.  A tall “white” Chinese man with a deep voice and a strong presence. Uncle Tony, my Dad’s brother from another mother.  He had a way to make my Dad laugh and smile like no one else. They knew everything about each other and were friends for over 50 years.

Uncle Tony was half British and half Chinese. Dark Brown hair and round eyes. When my dad worked in LA, they would eat dinner together almost every night. Dad loved telling the Chinese restaurant waitresses that he taught my Uncle Tony Chinese. I see their relationship similar to the ones I have with my best friends and sister. The love that lasts forever. Trying to think of a eulogy to say goodbye to someone so close seems impossible. How do you explain that type of brotherhood to anyone? Out of all my dads friends- he is the one I was closest to.

First memories

During Christmas break of 1985, my dad drove me and Wendy down to la to visit Uncle Tony and his family. During our stay, they found out it was my birthday and promptly threw me a birthday party. After all these years, it’s one of my favorite birthday memories.

Last Memories

Maybe a year and a half ago, while visiting the Bay Area, my dad and Uncle Tony asked if we could all have dinner. I made a half joke about having to drive alone to dinner. The third or fifth wheel to everything. Uncle Tony told me that I wasn’t solo and he’d ride with me  to dinner, hugging me.  A small but endearing moment.  A positive fixture in my life. It was the last time I would see him healthy.

Cancer

Both my dad and uncle Tony were diagnosed with cancer in 2010/2011 . Each person went through surgery and treatment pushing the cancer into remission. However, in 2016 Uncle Tony’s cancer came back.  The doctor estimated one year. This time he declined chemo treatment and chose holistic and organic treatment. I was angry. Yet I couldn’t say anything.  Everyone pretended it was going to be ok. I told myself it was his quality of life – and maybe this was better. But now after the fact, I wish I could have convinced him to choose life. To stay here just a little bit longer.

This last year he deferred my visit requests. I don’t think he wanted to see him weak and un well. Each time we talked- he would say he would see me when he recovered.  I had been hopeful to see him at Wendy’s wedding, but he was too weak to make the trip. I think in the back of my mind, I knew I would never see him healthy again, but I pretended that one day would be better. If I didn’t think about it, then I wouldn’t have to face the grim facts.

Regrets

I regret not seeing Uncle Tony one more time. Why did we all pretend that holistic treatment was going to make the cancer go away? I’m mad that he died. Would oncologists have been able to save him? I regret not making it a bigger deal with my Dad. Instead now, I get angry at God for taking away a good man too soon. He was my Dad’s best friend and I don’t know if anyone else understood every aspect of my dad as well he did.

The Funeral

The day to say goodbye was hard. I thought about how I would always look for Uncle Tony when I went with my Dad to see his friends. Now his face is gone from the crowd. Instead his photo sat on an easel, next to the coffin that looked too small to fit someone with that much personality. Tears rolled down my face. I couldn’t say out loud what I was feeling.

Saying Goodbye to Uncle Tony

Uncle Tony – I hope this next journey brings you peace. I’ll try to keep the positive attitude you had with my Dad. Take him to try new restaurants. Encourage him to travel. Live live to the fullest. I know I never told you thank you…. but thank you for being a part of our family.

Rest In Peace Uncle Tony

We love you.

It’s only Wednesday. I’m trapped at a desk. I’m anxious. Boxed in by computer screens and some hipster glass conference rooms. Long 8 hour days. Everyone else is working. I hear loud chatter in the background from a sales specialist talking about how our daycares are the best ever. I look down. One of the office dogs is staring at me. He wants some food. Maybe if I get a dog, I won’t mind being here. Red Hot Chili Peppers is playing in the background. I take a deep breath…. sigh.

What have I done?

Transitioning from the Island Life to A Normal 9-5 Job

Imagine you can do anything you want to do. What do you choose? Move to an island and relax. Happily ever after. Or is it?

For the past 2+ years, I’ve been floating around and living life day by day. I’ve been traveling. Trying out different careers. Divemaster. English Teacher. SEO. Permanent Traveler.

SEO

When I decided to quit engineering, I called the two people I knew that could help me. Matt and Robert. We were all electrical engineering majors. But not the typical nerds. We all wanted to do something different. Matt and Robert read Four Hour Work Week and quit their jobs a few years before  me. I looked to them for guidance. Robert gave me a job / internship to learn about SEO. Matt called me every week to coach me on how to start over. Over a few months I learned the ropes and moved to Thailand to learn how to do SEO solo. I created my own company. My bestie helped me find customers. I networked. I worked. I became a Digital Nomad. I became a cliche macbook pro user at a coffee shop.

I do SEO because I like to see the results. It’s all on me. I’m my own boss. Some days I struggle. Stress. Worry. I’m constantly learning more about balancing work and life. The money let me live where ever I wanted. When I want to travel, I go. When I want to go home. I fly to California. Thankful SEO gives me that flexibility.

Working Remotely

There are no days off. Yet, everyday can be a day off. The best part of having my own company is being able to work anywhere I want. Budapest for 10 days. Tour during the day. Work in the afternoon. Out again for dinner and drinks. Rinse and Repeat.

The Downside

Some Days I don’t want to be that tourist. Some days I want to watch Netflix with friends. Lay on the sofa with them and reminisce about how crazy we were in college.  Hang out. Face-time is a substitute, but not the same. I’ve been fortunate to make friends in every city. But that doesn’t replace my best friends. There were so many times I felt alone.  Missing the casual days where I  would sit there watching my friends cook in the kitchen. Having them poke at my non-existent love life.  Talk to me about nothing and everything at the same time.

The Pitch to Join a StartUp

Initially when my friend Jesse messaged me asking if I would work for him. I responded flat out NO. No way! I’m done working for the man. But as he started explaining his company I became more and more interested. Maybe this is something I can get into. The more we talked, I could feel myself get more excited to be part of a team. To make something bigger. Would this be the same? I would be the program manager, have equity in the company. Provide guidance. Challenge myself.

Selling Out

Returning to a 40 Hour work week? Have I lost my mind?

Let me think about this…

Regretting My Choice

I didn’t think the cons were a big deal. Loss of free time and remote working. I was wrong. The first week in an office I felt extreme anxiety and caged. I felt like a feral dog brought into a home.  Maybe this was going to be harder than I thought. Learning everything about this new company. After work I catch up on my own company and balance with unpacking and settling into LA again. Each day I feel anxious. How do I explain what I’ve done to everyone?  It shouldn’t matter, but I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

Is it about the money?

Spain is cheap. LA is not. Rent in Seattle was $1400, $400 in Tenerife and here its over $2000. I added more salary with this new job, but I feel like all the extra money goes to the cost of living. I tell myself I’m working for the experience and not the money. Its about feeling rooted. Seeing my friends. Coming back to America. After I got my first paycheck, I realized its definitely not about the money. American taxes and corporate life really do make you pay.

Good Bye Solo life and Hello Wolf Pack

Goodbye digital nomad life. We had a good run. See you later.