Month: October 2020

My Life Put on Hold 2020

At the beginning of the year, I was full of inspiration and opportunities. I spent NYE in Cuba. February in Colorado. Beginning of March in Lake Tahoe. Traveling is who I am. Then came Covid-19.

The Ides of March

March seems so far away now. It’s hard to think about life before Covid-19. On Monday, March 16th, I got the notice about the Shelter in Place order in SF. Like everyone else, I went to the market. Stocked up on toilet paper, pasta, rice, flour, and anything else that I could find. Shelves were sparse. I bought a puzzle. My mind prepared for a few weeks of staying in my house and not driving anywhere. A small thought about what I would say if I got caught driving to see family. Maybe I could say I had a toothache and I was on the way to an emergency dental appointment.

Don’t Go Outside – Don’t do Anything

For two months, Mid-March through May, I stayed indoors. I went outside for essentials only. I started doing yoga and online workouts. I stocked up on kindle books. I got to know my new roommates in SF. Some good days. Some bad days. I’d try multiple times a day to try to order groceries from amazon prime.  The grocery store seemed dangerous. Most don’t know, but there were days where I would wake up in bed crying because I didn’t have the motivation to wake up and do anything. A deep gutted anxiousness. I kept thinking about what I should do with my life. “When is this going to end? Do I need money? What am I going to do? Can I see my family?”  I didn’t complain to others because I didn’t have kids or a real job. I felt like I didn’t have that right. I bought another puzzle. I baked more. Everything became units of time. I needed things to do to get through each day. I used 25lbs of flour making an upside down blueberry cake, banana bread, cookies, belgian waffles, jaozi, bing, pizza, bagels, and cinnamon rolls.

Levels of paranoia of the COVID-19 Transmission

• 10 – Everyone Stay away. Shelter in Place. No interactions
• 9 – Shelter in Place, Outside for Essential Errands only
• 8 – Wear a mask at all times whenever outside of the house. No one gets within 6 ft
• 7 – Wear a mask, but I also still visit friends, but keep socially distant
• 6 – wear a mask, some friends are within my bubble, all others are socially distant
• 5 – wear a mask, keep socially distance with strangers; friends are within 6ft
• 4 – wear a mask, meet people within 6ft, but keep a distance if they request
• 3 – wear a mask sometimes while walking around, i still hug people when i see people
• 2 – Only wear a mask when required to go in a store. Seeing all friends and going out
• 1 – No mask wearing. Going out as if nothing happened

At first, I was at a level 10. But as the days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, months turned to seasons, I’ve changed. My anxiety started to go away. Now I feel I’m at level 6. By June, I started visiting friends and family again. Even my weekly visits to see my dad have slowly started to change. At first, I would sit at another table, wear a mask, wipe down everything. Now we sit together. Masks are only on when we take walks around the neighborhood.

It’s weird to admit this, but I felt as though I needed to hide any real happiness. Don’t share photos where you are too close to people. Social media became a shackle more than something of enjoyment.  Can I post this photo?  What about the racial injustices?  The Black Lives Matter movement. Nothing seemed appropriate (to post)

Fourth of July and COVID-19

It didn’t feel right to celebrate the Fourth of July holiday. With the politics and BLM movement, I felt a strong dislike for the American Flag. Trump doesn’t represent me.

However, walking around the city that night, I became inspired again with all the fireworks across the skyline. The city needed to let off a little steam. Beautiful lights illuminated the sky. People enjoying themselves- hanging out around the parks, in front of their homes, in the streets.  I felt happiness that night that I hadn’t felt in a long time. That feeling of being a tourist, seeing something new. I think I walked about 27k steps that day/night. I couldn’t stop soaking up the liveliness.

Setbacks – Everything with 2020 is still BAD

Throughout July, I started feeling like myself again. I stopped checking the COVID-19 tracker. I stopped obsessing over the test positivity rate. I went camping with friends. I started going to outdoor restaurants. Going offline and camping recharged me. Being in the wilderness let me forget about everything that’s wrong with the world right now.

There are moments where I feel like things will be ok. Then another disaster happens to remind me that the world is ending. Forest Fires. Jacob Black in Wisconsin.

What does 210k people dead mean?

People are dying. Traveling is unsafe. The rest of the world is going back to normal, where “we” as Americans are trapped in a pandemic without any signs of improvement. Arguments about mask wearing, social distance, and if this is even “real” continue. Anxiety and anxious comes in waves. When is this ever going to end? What am I doing with my life?

I feel like I keep waking up to a test on life. Can I get through this? When will I be ok? The cliché movie – Groundhog’s Day, seems like a reality. When will I perform the perfect day to force us to move on to a better world? If I can just focus on spending time with my family and becoming an SF local, maybe my life will be better.

Small Goals for Mental Health Awareness

I realize looking to 2021 is too far away. Instead, I set small goals each month. August: Swim Alcatraz. September: Learn how to do a Handstand. October: Swim without a wetsuit in the bay area.   Each week I try to stay on a path of sanity. Pushing myself to keep going. Someday this “Pandemic” will be over and I’ll be able to start my life back up again. Small  goals. Small wins.